I caught myself praying that she wouldn’t wake up when she drops off to sleep. I hoped that she doesn’t know what’s going on with her. I told her I loved her, and she barely whispered, “I love you too.” I hoped she knew I was there. She would wave her arm in the air and talk to God. The whole top of her arm was bruised and red where she hits it on the rail while she flinging it around. She asks for her daddy, now more than anyone. She wanted to go see the cow. Her daddy had a cow named blue ribbon when she was little. I have cried myself out. I sit and look at her and cry.

It’s Mother’s Day 2007 and this was some way to spend it. Sitting by your mama’s death bed and wondering if she will go to heaven on this day or continue to linger. I told her I wanted her to be happy again and be with Jesus. I put down the rail and sat on her bed and cried out my eyes. I held her hand and put my head on her face and loved on her. She turned her little dried up face and tried to smile at me and it broke my heart. I KNOW she knew it was me. This experience had done me in. My health had suffered though all this. I was tired, my blood pressure had big problems and I felt so bad.

I watched my daddy die but he didn’t last but 6 weeks. Mama had been years. Mama’s legs had gotten stiff, her knees wouldn’t bend and you couldn’t push them down. She couldn’t turn over, had no use of that one side, she’s was so weak and yet when I got there and she had actually pulled herself to almost sitting up in bed. The nurse said, “How in the heck, did she do that?” No one knew. But she still surprises me every day. She was waving her hands in the air and I asked her what she was doing and she said, she was waving at the angel. My daddy saw Jesus and talked to him right before he died and mama was seeing angels, so I didn’t think it could be long.

When I went back today, mama smelled bad and I got the aid to come and clean her up. She has the runs and her little boney bottom is red and raw, it just had to hurt. They were keeping cream on it but it’s like bad diaper rash on a baby. She had never gotten bed sores, for which I am thankful and I thought they were keeping her clean and keeping her turned. When they would turn her, her knees would stay stiff and her legs would turn like her body does. It upsets me so bad, to see her going like this. Her dying will not be as bad as seeing her suffer. Mama is unresponsive now and so weak. Her skin was so thin it was about to break through at her tailbone and the hospice nurses says it’s real close now. Her bones and muscles were frozen in place. Her eyes were fixed and stare ahead, but there’s no one there.

I have been trying to get the funeral plans done and I’ve never had to plan a funeral before. Thank goodness, mama thought ahead and prepaid her funeral, but what she had down as plans didn’t work, because everything was changed since she wrote it. All the supposed to be pall bears, are dead. She outlived everyone. SO I had to make new plans. All I can do now is stay by her bed and love her and she was unresponsive and her breathing had gotten labored. Her eyes wide, but she was gone. It was so hard to watch her fighting still. She just won’t let go. I told her it was ok to let go and that we were all fine and she still goes on. She was so dried up and her tongue was stuck in her mouth and I tried to just put my finger in water and rub it on her lips and she refused even that, by shaking her head, so I didn’t bother her. The nurse came and put some Vaseline on her lips and mama didn’t want it but she was too far gone to fight anymore. I just sit and cry and pray for mercy for her.

Today is my birthday. I wondered if mama would die on my birthday. If she could be relieved of this suffering, I wouldn’t even care about that. May25th, mama doesn’t respond to anything. I called Doc and told him she was dying, as well as everyone else that was out of town, and told them it was close. Hospice tells me there’s very little chance I will be here when she goes and I shouldn’t come so much but, if there’s ANY chance that I can be beside her, holding her hand, I want to be. I couldn’t understand what was keeping her alive, her body is dried up and she has starved to death. Still she lays there.

On Saturday, May 26, 2007, Doc jumped a plane in the middle of the night from Kansas City and came to be with her. He said something just told him, he had to come. He came in and sat with her, loved and talked and sang to her, and wouldn’t leave her side. He cried, I cried. We had called in everyone, cause we knew she was dying. Her breathing got slower and slower and tougher for her to take each one. Then it went to very shallow breaths and she became a purple color. Her eyes were half open and she became hot and clammy. They had moved out her roommate ,so we could have, all the room. I told Doc that I thought she had been waiting for him. He talked to her and told her, she could go on and he was ok, everyone was ok. Bill had come and then left and he wasn't there when she died. Irv, Blake, Melissa, Doc and I were in the room with her and Doc and I were holding her ,when, at 2:15 pm, she breathed her last breath and the color drained from her, as she passed into the arms of God. She was free at last. I had never had to watch someone die before and I hope to God that I never have to again. I couldn’t sleep that night because of reliving her face and the gasping for air, as she died. I told the nurse that I just KNEW, I WOULD, be with her when she went home. Blake has never talked about it and at 15 years old, I just don't know how he was affected by watching his great grandma die. I know it's something he will never forget. Doc’s wife (Dawn) and children came in and Michael's wife (Sandy) and his children came in from Missouri. Doc had jumped the plane so fast, that he hadn’t gotten his clothes and had to go buy some. I was so glad he came, because I really believe, and he does too, that she was waiting on him.

Since it was Memorial Day weekend, we had to wait till Tuesday May 29th, for the funeral. The funeral home worked a miracle and made her look just beautiful. She looked just like she had years ago, when she was beautiful. She didn’t even have any wrinkles. She wore her blue dress with sequins on it and a diamond necklace and earrings that I had bought for her. I think she would have been pleased. Mama’s grandson’s and great grandson carried her and I know she was pleased with that. Michael sang two songs that she had picked out and those were beautiful. He did a great job. I got so many compliments on his singing. I know it was hard for him to do it. Bro Dwain did a wonderful job, as he talked about mama and he had been her pastor and also her neighbor , so he talked about her very personally and told funny things and also about how he remembered her singing in the choir and her beautiful voice and what a wonderful Christian lady she was. After the funeral, the church did a good meal for us at the church and we had 28 to eat. SO, my mama is gone, I will miss her so much but wouldn’t ever bring her back to be in that awful shape.