When I went on Thursday, mama was sitting outside her door and when I walked up, she asked me to help her, in her low voice. I asked what she wanted and she said she wanted to go to bed. That’s not my mama. I said, I’ll get someone to put you to bed and she said, NO ,you might leave and I said I wouldn’t but she said ,you might not come back, so I took her a table and got her some coffee and helped her drink it. She complained of her neck and head hurting and I couldn’t get her to sit up. I go them to give her Tylenol. They had to mash it and put it in applesauce. They said she only ate maybe 10% of lunch. Then she asked me, “Where’s my mama?” That got to me. I told her she will be back. She never smiled, she looks so sad. The mama I knew is gone. I went and told them to put her to bed to rest and mama didn’t say anything and I knew this wasn’t my mama.

It seemed like mama stayed on my mind, it’s so hard to watch. Today she had her hand down on the side of her chair and said” my hand hurts”. I picked it up and laid it in her lap. She doesn’t even know she has a left hand. She sure didn’t know she could make it move. She’s still hanging to the left. Her speech was more slurred today than yesterday so I knew she was still having the mini strokes. She isn’t eating either. I tried to feed her lunch, she won’t eat it. I watched and I started to cry and had to go. I keep praying she won’t have to keep sitting here. They say she’s in last stage Alzheimer’s. She’s sleeping more, she feels bad, she doesn’t eat.

My Cousin came and stayed a week. Mama didn’t know them either, till Carolyn said who they were, and then she asked about Gladys and how she wished she had come too( Gladys is Mama’s sister and Carolyn’s mom, who has been dead for many years) I didn’t go as much ,to Hudson ,while they were visiting, but checked on her everyday, if we didn’t go. Mama kept asking who Joel (Carolyn’s husband) was. She would say, “Who’s that boy?” Carolyn told her that he was hers, and after 50 years she wasn’t giving him up, and mama said well, if things were different, I would have him, and we all cracked up laughing. After they left, Irv and I went down and mama never said a word about them or remembered she saw them.

Mama is getting to where she goes to sleep all the time in her chair. She’s stopped wanting to go outside when it’s where she’s always wanted to be. She hardly talks and when she does you can’t hear it. She’s still not eating and losing weight. She doesn’t beg me to stay anymore, which I can’t say is a bad thing. It’s Saturday and my brother said he couldn’t go again, so we went. Mama was trying to drink something that wasn’t in her hand again and then she started bringing the hand up and sticking out her thumb and sucking on it like it was a straw. We couldn’t believe what we were seeing. She didn’t even know it wasn’t a cup and straw, it was her hand. I just gave her a drink and put the real cup in her hand. She can’t see and looks at the fish tank and says how nice it is outside. She then went to sleep. She’s sleeping more and more and that’s last stage. They are still trying to feed her the pureed diet and it’s gross, so I told them to try to feed her whatever she will eat. I know she can swallow. They said they have to ask the doctor first.

Mama asked us if we thought she could still drive. We laughed and told her that’s one we can say, NO WAY. Then the aid said, this is your daughter and mama said, “really? I didn’t know she had a room here too.” I said, “mama I don’t have a room, I came to see you “and she said, she couldn’t’ see me. Mama sat and slept while I did her nails. People think I’m nuts for keeping on coming everyday when she doesn’t know it but I don’t want to feel I didn’t do all I could for her after she’s gone.

The next day she was talking jibberish and I knew she had another mini- stroke. They seemed to just keep coming. Nothing made sense and her mouth was more drawn left again. When I gave her a drink she acted like it was hard to swallow. They had changed her to a soft diet and had eaten a little. Mama asked me for watermelon and I said I don’t have any but asked if she was hungry and she said yes ,so I went and got her some ice cream and she ate 3 bites and said she didn’t’ want anymore. She kept her eyes closed and when I asked if she knew who I was, she said, “Patty“. She just knew my voice. She looked towards the window and said about how cloudy and bad it looked and it was sunny and beautiful.

Today, Michael was coming in and Michael and I went to see mama. She was asking for her mama and daddy. I asked her who is this? Talking about Michael and she didn’t know. He told her it’s Michael and she said” it is? And then told him how glad she was to see him. She kept holding his hand and telling him how glad she was he came but couldn’t remember his name. He tried to tell her that his church had a new pastor from Florida. She told him that she had a sister in Florida. Then she thought he was going to Florida and said, her sister Gladys and her husband and kids would love to see him, when he got there. We finally gave up. The next day we all went to see her and visited out back. Later Michael and I went back by ourselves and she didn’t remember seeing him before. He told her that he had been there 3 times and he only had a day and a half here. The next day when I was there, we kept having the other residents bothering us. One lady, hates the place, calls the food, pig slop, no matter what it is, she hates it. They have really good food. Another lady (who was mean) was sucking on her gum, pushing it in and out of her mouth and I walked by her and said, is that good gum? And she grabbed hold of my arm and squeezed it and dug her fingernails in hard and said” you got any gum?” I was trying to get away ‘cause she hurt my arm and she said, “Well you better get me some cause this mark will stay on your arm till you bring me some.” I got loose and told her, not only will you not get any gum, but I won’t be back around you. I know she’s nuts, but that hurt, and if they are mean, I don’t fool with them. Some residents are sweet and some are mean, some are quite and some holler, some cuss and some are happy. It’s a mixture. One old man, hollered at an aid, “Come here you black bitch”. Needless to say, he didn’t get what he wanted. I said, Mr. Benny, that’s ugly and he just died laughing. I think he knew exactly what he said. He would also play like he had a gun and the aids would say, “How’s your gun go, Benny,” and he would hold up his hand and point at you and say,” BANG, BANG.”