It was Christmas day, 2004. I had always had mama for Christmas and decided to try this year. I was stupid. Another thing she can’t do anymore. We had Melissa’s car, so we could get her in it and brought her to our house for lunch. It was a chore. We had to get her into the living room to open gifts and then to the dining room to wait till I got lunch ready. I fixed her plate but she wouldn’t let me feed her and the food was everywhere. After she finished we had to get her to the den and sitting down and she had to go to the bathroom. It took Melissa and me both, to get her in the bathroom, pulled her clothes down and then get her back up off the pot. It killed my back but MAMA HAD NO PROBLEMS. She told me, SEE, it’s no problem for me to go places. Bill was supposed to come and get her and take her to his house after lunch, but he went to sleep and we couldn’t get him on the phone, and he didn’t show up, and we had to keep her till 4 and by then her sundowners was set in and so when he got there, he just took her back to Hudson. I never did that again either.

Two days after Christmas, Bill took her to the Dairy Queen and gave her a gift and bought her lunch. Michael and Sandy had come in after Christmas and they sang for mama and the residents at Hudson. Mama loved that but then didn’t remember it later either.

They had a New Year’s party too and all the kids had a good time. They had food and drinks and hats and horns. Mama had on a blue outfit and by chance they gave her a blue hat with happy New Year on it and I took her picture with a champagne glass in her hand. I loved that picture and it sits in my living room today. Later in Jan, 2005, I got really sick and couldn’t go down there for days. Irv went for me and did for her. One night mama called and woke us to tell us how worried she was about Bill being sick and Bill wasn’t sick, I WAS. Finally I got well and hooray, I could go back. The first thing I got was mama losing her new hearing aids. We had to go down early and hunt for them and found them in her shirt pocket. It was so early in the morning, that we went back home and but mama didn’t know why we had to leave. I told her how sick I had been and that was why Irv had been coming and she didn’t know I had anything or that Irv had come, but she sure had been worried that Bill had something wrong with him. I gave up.

Middle Feb,2005, I walked up to mama’s door and she was sitting, her back to the door, telling her roommate how mad she was at me for not coming to see her and that she just figured we had gone off someplace and not took her. I walked up behind her and said” what are you gripping about now?” She turned and said” well, I figured you went off and didn’t take me with you and I said” NO mama, I didn’t but I’m sure going to.” I was so mad and filled to the brim with her. I didn’t stay long either. I know sometimes I blow when I shouldn’t and I know mostly she can’t help it but some of it is just her same old selfish self, like always. They had the Valentine party and crowned the King and Queen but mama knew nothing of any of it.

It was mama’s 90th birthday and Irv and I had the van bring her to Wal-Mart to meet us and give her a day out. All we hear is I want to go and I keep on trying to please her. Mama kept asking where everyone else was that came with us. I tried to tell her no one else came but she kept on that she knew they did. She had to go to the bathroom and I liked to have killed myself trying to get her in the bathroom stall by myself and on to the pot and back in her chair. We let her eat at McDonald’s and called the van to come back and get her. I thought, how stupid I am, to keep trying and hurting myself, and for what? I had taken her gifts and a cake but she didn’t know it was her birthday.

Terri was graduating from nursing school and Bill wanted to take mama (like she would know). He picked her up and pushed her and took care of her ,but she didn’t know what it was, where she was and she looked so awful, that I hated people to see her like that and I knew she wouldn’t have wanted it either. That afternoon, Irv and I had gone and bought her 4 new music CD’s and she told everyone all afternoon, that Bill had come and bought her all these music CD’s, and how much he did for her. Heck, he doesn’t even have to ever show up, and she thinks he does everything for her. He thinks it’s funny and it makes me mad and hurts me, ‘cause I try so hard.

On May 31st, Hudson called and said mama thought she was 16 and wanted her mama and daddy. They figured she had a stroke again. She told them she had no kids and didn’t know anyone in her pictures. When we got there, she didn’t know us either and called Blake, William. She said she had been to the cemetery with Beverly to see where she was going to be buried. Mama was really gone. We talked to her a little but since she didn’t know anything, we went back home. There's nothing we can do. They put an alarm on her leg to keep her from going out the door and she sure didn’t like that. Every time she would get to a door, the door would lock and not let her out. She was used to sitting outside some by herself and now she couldn’t do that anymore.

They changed her meds and did another CT scan. I rode with her to the hospital in the van for the scan. I had to go in with her and hold her hand, for them to get it done. Mama was awful and it took us 4 hours and after fooling with her for that long, I was beat to death. Later, Mama told us that they had took her to a Halloween party ( it’s June). They went on a trip to the cemetery and they went downtown also, to some rooms and it scared her and next year, she wasn’t going. I told her she wouldn’t have to go next year.

She complained so much about the alarm on her leg that they took it off. Then she didn’t remember it had been on there. She had gotten used to not going out and didn’t even know where the door was now. Doc came down to see mama and everyone found out he was here and they all came down and we spent the whole day out back on the patio. Blake and Trinity had their guitars as did Doc and they played and sang . Mama ate that up. Anytime she had music, she got happy. Anytime everyone in her family was there, she was happy. Anytime she was the center of attention, she was happy.

The nursing home wanted Doc to go inside and sing for everyone and so he did and it was great. We had a good time on that day. But the next day, mama didn’t even remember that Doc came or that any of us were there but she had the moment yesterday. It’s in July now and one day, Bill wanted to take mama to Ryan’s to eat. He called and asked us to come. We went but thought it was a waste but if he wanted to take her and pay for it, OK. Mama had to be fed or helped to eat, by me, and she didn’t know where she was anyway. She never knew where she was. Mama told us about going to another party, where they all went downtown and she had the biggest sandwiches she ever had and people were singing and it was up on the square and she wanted to know why we didn’t come and I told her we didn’t know about it and she said if she had known about it before, she would have invited us.