They told me I have to make up my mind where she’s going, cause she has to leave the floor. They called (a) nursing home and they had a room for me to see. When mama was eating lunch, and a student nurse was with her, I went there. I couldn’t even talk to the woman out there. It looked awful to me and I just knew, I couldn’t put my mama in there. I cried and cried. I told the woman,” no thanks,” I just couldn’t do it.

We went to look at (another) nursing home and I said,” NO”, before I even looked in a room. It was dark, smelly and depressing. I couldn’t do it. Later that afternoon, I went to look at (one more) Nursing Home, and when I entered there, it was clean and bright and didn’t smell, and a little dog met us at the door. I got a better feeling, like God was telling me, this one was ok. It was far better than any of the others, anyway. I knew mama would hate it, but she will hate anything, but home. If they can take her, I decided I would bring her here. It was so hard to do but I really had no choice and it‘s only a mile from my house, it has cats and dogs, fish, birds and outside animals. It has activities and a big screen TV and big room with big windows. It is only one of two Eden Alternative Nursing homes in Arkansas. It was still a nursing home but it wasn’t as depressing as the others to me. I hoped she would buy it when I told her it was just for rehab. I put in an application and I went back to see mama and she had the cath tube out and was feeling better.

I got up this morning dizzy and really feeling bad but I was up there by 6:30. They said she had slept better. She said she didn’t sleep any, and was cold, couldn’t get any help and couldn’t call me. I told her she had a button on each side of her and she said she didn’t know about any buttons. She walked a little bit around the room. I had a 1:30 appointment at (the nursing home) and Irv and I went and got the ball rolling. I went back and told her she was going to (a nursing home) for rehab, and she got really upset. She was scared and I felt sorry for her and also I felt guilty. She asked what would happen to her home and all her things and I told her they would stay right there till she got better. I knew I had to lie to her. They tell us at Alzheimer’s meetings that God will forgive us for the lies we have to tell Alzheimer’s patients. I sure hope he will.

I stayed and helped her with her supper and then said I had to go. I was hurting, dizzy and hungry. She flipped out on me again and was scared to be alone, wanted me to stay and she was really afraid. It was hard to walk out on her, but I had to. I was beat down. It had been a hard day for me. My blood pressure was high and I felt so bad. I told the nurses I was leaving and told mama she would be ok and I would be back later. She looked like a little girl. She got down under the covers and her eyes were so wide and she said again that she didn’t know how to get any help. I went through the red button lesson for the thousandth time; it didn’t work then either. I will be glad when she’s in (the nursing home) and she won’t be alone and that might help. Who knows?

I got there as mama was eating breakfast today and she said,” Why weren’t you here for breakfast?” The people at the hospital came to tell me they had to move mama out and I hadn’t gotten everything done for the nursing home yet. We couldn’t move till Monday. They came with another pile of papers for me to sign and they wouldn’t listen to me. Mama had completely forgotten what I had told her about the move. She remembered none of it.

This guy from the office, wouldn’t listen to me about the move and no one would talk to me. Irv came in and I told him how they were treating me and trying to push us out and he found (the guy) and said” We are getting pushed out and we aren’t leaving till Monday, when we will move to the nursing home, and he says,” Oh , Ok that’s fine.” It’s amazing how people respond when he talks rough to them and I couldn’t get anywhere. So it was settled, we were moving on Monday.

Michael and Doc would be in tonight (mama’s grandsons from Missouri). Tomorrow is mama’s 89th birthday and we’re having a party for the family. I went to the store and ran into her doctor coming back. She had been in with mama and mama had told her she didn’t like that big auditorium, they put her in at night. The doctor wrote orders to move her on Monday.

Debbie came in to fix mama’s hair but in 10 minutes, it looked as bad as before and mama hadn’t a clue it had been fixed. Mama asked me if she would have to sleep in rehab and I told her she would have to stay all the time and she said she was going to try really hard to graduate where she can go home. I sure hate the fact that she will never go home again. They said her heart rate was fast but figured it was anxiety related. I talked to Michael about 4:00 and he and Doc would be here around 7:00. For the 500th time, mama is taking out her hearing aids and glasses off and trying to go to sleep and it’s not even supper time. About 7pm, Michael and Doc walked in and mama was thrilled to see them but started right in asking if they would spend the night with her. Doc said he would and I was thrilled ‘cause I could come home and sleep.