Irv got up and went for me this morning, so I could go to church and Sunday school. Mama told him that no one would come open something for her. Irv asked her what she wanted open and she said she didn’t know. She didn‘t have anything that needed opening.

After church I went up and fed her lunch. We fixed the rails on the bed and left to go get us some lunch. I walked back in and she was sitting at the foot of the bed, with her feet sticking out between the footboard and the rails, doing her best to get out of that bed. I hollered,” What are you doing?”

She said,” trying to get out of here”.

I said,” Mama you can’t get up by yourself.”

And she says, “Why not?”

I said, ”because you can’t walk.”

She said, “why, I’ve always walked.“

I called the nurse and they got her out of the crack and into a chair. I knew if I had been 5 minutes later, she would have been on the floor and have something else broken. The doctor told me this morning, that she will never again be where she doesn’t have to have 24/7 care and even if we see some improvement, it will just be better and then worse, but will keep going down. He thinks she needs a nursing home, and suggested one as the best one. I’m just sick. I can’t stand the thought, and tomorrow, we had to start checking on things because the time’s up and I have no other choice.

I had never before felt like I did on Friday night. I was so tired and I knew I couldn’t do this night and day forever. I have to save myself and I have to do what’s best for us all, not just mama, whatever that is. I fed her supper that night and Bill and Irv came up for a few minutes. I stayed till after shift change, late that night.

Mama said, “Who’s sleeping on the couch tonight”? I told her no one, and she started with her complaining. She kept on, how scared she was and I hurt so bad and needed to go and I finally did. Bill said he couldn’t come and then he called back and said he would come. When he got there, they had her at the nurses’ station again, sitting in a chair where they could watch her, because she kept trying to get out. He told them he would stay and I could hear them on the phone trying to get medicine down her and her refusing. She’s so hardheaded. I know these nurses are counting the days when they get rid of her.

When I came back the next morning, at 6am, Bill had already left. Mama started in about the scared stuff and claimed she didn’t even see Bill. We went to check on some stuff and we found out, we couldn’t afford to keep her in her home and hire a sitter full time too. Mama had hardly any money, only her home and S.S. We got back and mama told us that she wishes they wouldn’t move her into that other building at night. I tried again to tell her they didn’t. But it was Hopeless. She wanted to know why she had no get well cards and I showed her all her cards and she said, “OH, well, I’ll have to look at them sometime.” I can’t count the times she’s looked at them. I asked her what she thought about getting a sitter to stay with her and she says, “not unless it‘s someone I know, like you“. I tried to explain what it was doing to my health and she said” I’m, sorry BUT, I want you to stay with me.” She doesn’t care how I feel, as long as she gets it how she wants it. I left her hollering at about 6:30 and went home. At 9:30 the phone rang and someone had dialed my number for her and she was having a fit that it had been so long since she had heard from me. She said Nan had tried to call me on all our numbers and couldn’t find us and she was just worried to death. I hung up and called Nan, and Nan said she had visited with mama, and mama was fine when she left (she can fool them all) and I guess mama flipped and made up all this stuff in her head, after Nan left. I called the hospital and asked them to please not let anyone call my number for her again tonight. They said, she would scream at people going down the hall for help and probably one dialed it for her.

I got back up there early the next morning and they told me they didn’t know who called my number for her, but she stayed messed up and they had to sit her back at the nurses’ station for 2 hours last night. Mama told me that they took her someplace, she was cold, she didn’t have any shoes and was treated like a criminal and they wouldn’t let her use the phone, to call me. They came and took out her stitches and she was healing fine in her hip, but just had no mind. She told me, that last night, Melissa was walking up there and all her insides fell out in the floor. WHO Knows where that stuff comes from? Melissa wasn’t even there.

Mama was so messed up. They came in to walk her and she got to the end of the hall and had to sit down because she was so tired, and then she just started crying. I couldn’t stand it and broke down with her and we both sat there at the end of the hall and cried together. It broke my heart the shape she was in and I knew, somewhere inside her, she knew how bad off she was.