Well, it’s been one whole, long week and it seems like forever. As I came back, Mama said, “Well, it’s been a boring day, I haven’t had any visitors.”

I said, “ Mama, it’s morning now and everyone has been home sleeping.”

She started doing her folding and it was hard to keep her bottom covered up. She couldn’t wear panties because of the cath tube. It really does no good to try to explain anything.

She asked me if we were at Sears looking for a refrigerator and that’s where she fell. The aid came in to change her bed and mama said she had lost her rings. The aid jumped back and said,” I don’t know nothing ‘bout no rings.” It was funny because she didn’t want to get accused of taking something. I told her mama had no rings, then she went ahead and changed her.

Then, mama thought she had broken her hip again and that someone she knows on Lauri Street had broken theirs, too. That’s a street that she lived on 40 years ago. She told me the person in the other bed kept her company. That would have been great, except there is no other bed. Then she asked me when I was seeing my doctor and I said, ”I’m not.”

She said, “Oh, then you’re just waiting on me.”

I said, “yes, I’m with you.”

That night with Terri, she worked on a bookshelf that had 300 books on it and she was awful tired of books by then.

Here I am back on this rainy Thursday morning. Terri had to have mouth surgery and Bill was sick with a cold and fever, SO, guess who that left, night and day.

Mama asked me if that person over there had their breakfast and I told her, yes. Then she said she didn’t know they had places like this and I told her this was the same place and she said it was the little place on the corner. I haven’t a clue what that is. Then she said, “ I think I’ll go to sleep. Do you want to put me back to bed?”

I said,” Mama, you are in bed.”

And she says,” I am?” Then, ”I don’t like this drug store hospital.”

I just don’t know if it’s going to get any better or get worse.

A friend came and sat while Irv and I went to the Alzheimer’s support group. All we talked about was mama and everyone there said, ”Don’t EVER take her home.” Take her directly to the nursing home and tell her she’s in rehab.

The doctor came in and said,” Never take her home. Not to your house or hers because you will end up killing yourselves and mess up the rest of your life.”

It’s so hard to know what’s right, but I know I can’t do what she needs. When we got back from the meeting, Lillian thought mama had done real good (talk about fooling someone). She walked out the door and Mama looked at me and asked if the church let just anyone use this place and all their stuff.

She talked to God and asked him to let her go home and sit in her swing. Then another friend came in and asked Mama what she had been doing and she said,” Well, I went for a walk and went to First Baptist Church for lunch, then exercised, and since then, I’ve been sitting here in the swing watching people go by.”

She keeps talking about wetting the bed and I can’t make her understand it’s going in the bag. I looked away and she had folded the sheet and lay there naked. She said, “Who’s going to take me home?”

I told her she wasn’t going home, and she said,” You mean I have to stay here more?”

She asked if the church charged us to use this place and I said, “No.”

It was night again and I was still there. I was so tired, but she kept trying to get up, thinks she’s in a chair, asks if she had to go up front to go to bed, keeps saying she’s wetting the bed.

We sat and worked on telling time and she didn’t get it right once. Bill called and while I was talking I smelled something awful. I asked her if she pooped and she said, “No.” I lifted the covers and it was everywhere and she didn’t even know it. They came in and cleaned her up like a baby. It hurt to watch that. What a night. She looked at TV and thought it was a man looking in the window at her. Then she thought there was a bug on her. The nurse and I both told her there was no bug. Then, when the nurse tried to take her temp, she sucked on it like a straw and said she couldn’t get anything out. I’ve never seen her have hallucinations this bad. All this and it was only 10 p.m. How the heck was I going to make all night?

About 1 a.m. she started fighting to get up. I asked what was wrong and she said she heard a baby crying and she had to go take care of it. After fighting this awhile, she told me she had found the baby and fed it and it was asleep beside her. I told her that’s good. This went on all the rest of the night with kids, babies, and “I got to go make coffee.” She never slept at all. At 3:45 a.m. I called the nurse ‘cause I couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing they did helped. The nurse stayed with me and talked to me. I thought that night would never end.

The doctor came in and told me I would have to make a decision in another couple of weeks because Medicare will only play for 100 days. He and I sat a few feet away from mama’s bed and she never knew we were there. He said he was increasing her meds because of last night. He also told me,” Never take her home. She will kill you, ruin your family life and you can’t give her the care she will need, 24/7.”

Melissa came and stayed about 3 hours so I could get out a little. I needed out. We took Blake to lunch ad swimming. When I got back, mama said she didn’t feel good and she looks so old and pitiful.

They came to walk her but couldn’t wake her and I know it was going to be another all-nighter. I woke her for supper and she said,” There’s not many people eating up here this morning. What time is it?”

I said,” It’s 6:30,” and she thought that everyone that ate there must have had to go to work early. I said, ”Mama, when was the last time you had fish for breakfast?” and she just shrugged. She didn’t have a clue what I was saying. She went back to folding clothes after she ate. I was so tired and Irv’s headache was bad. I called Bill and he said he and Terri were both still sick and couldn’t come help me. I agonized over leaving her alone, but I knew I couldn’t do this for the rest of my life or it was going to be a short life.

I talked to the nurse and they promised they would call if anything came up and they would watch her. I cried as I left and watched her trying so hard to figure out where the nurse button was. I had shown her a thousand times and she just couldn’t figure it out. I came home and cried myself to sleep. It was so hard.

I woke that morning at 3am and couldn’t sleep, so I went back to the hospital. I stopped at the desk and they said they had to get her a sleeping pill. When I got to the room, she was wide awake and said,” I was scared and didn’t have anyone to take care of me.” She told me she couldn’t get a drink, no one would come, no one talked to her and she was shut up in here and couldn’t get out. She just kept saying how scared she was. Then she told me someone had rung her doorbell at midnight and she couldn’t answer it. I guess that proved no one rung it at home either. I got her settled down and with me there, she went to sleep. The nurse came and told me I should be home sleeping and I told her I worried and she said, that mama either hollered or pushed the button every few minutes, so they couldn’t ignore her. I decided I wasn’t staying nights anymore and I had to have some time in the days too. I couldn’t do it all by myself. Mama wants 24/7 attention. She’s spoiled rotten. But I can’t do it anymore or I will be dead.

One thing I decided is that she doesn’t remember it anyway. They came in to walk her and she told them she never remembered having walked before (It’s a miracle). When they walked her it was with a walker, and a person on each side, holding her. I went off and ate lunch with Irv and when I got back, mama said she had eaten with some old man and woman and some others. I just said, ” OK”. Then we had more cover pulling and taking off the gown, fun. After supper, I got her fixed, had a long lesson about the button and told her I had to go home. She told me not to stay long because she had to have me take care of her. I assured her the nurses were there but it did no good. Night time is the worst.